Someone asked me the other day; what is the best advice you have ever received? I thought about it for a few minutes and I came up with two different things.
- Put your phone down
- Work through it alone, first
Rah! So point number one, so #millenial, but I feel like the point is so real. At our fingertips, we have SO many resources to just saturate a fire with gasoline. We can see the last time someone read our text message without replying, we can see the last time someone was online, or the last picture they “liked”, we can see where they are down to the coordinates, and we can even read messages on computers, phones, ipads, or call Verizon (if we are really playing a PI role… some people will get this reference)! I feel like we (myself included) have created such a culture of trust issues… Like why did you call her or you were late, is that because you were lying about where you were?? I took a step back a few weeks ago and refocused myself on what I thought trust was, and how I was letting it affect me and my relationships. The best way I know how to explain this is with an example. I challenge you to step back and do the same. In our house, we travel, a lot, so it is always important for me to know everyone is safe. I set myself up to be let down when I asked for everyone to let me know they are back in their respective hotels/houses/beds every night, and when that sometimes didn’t happen, I complained about my trust being broken. I started writing down the excuses I heard back, and I invalidated every single one of them with my crazy woman brain:
1. I fell asleep (OH DID YOU?! ALONE?!) –
2. We got back late I didn’t want to wake you (YOU SHOULD HAVE)
3. I forgot (I BET YOU DID!)
4. I drank and passed out (I use this one all the time, v guilty!!)
Anyways, these were all VALID, but I had based my “trust” on this. Like hello, I have spent my whole life building trust with my friends, my family, and I was going to throw it out over that? I grounded myself and realized trust was BLIND. Most of the time, I was never going to know if my trust was violated, but I trusted that whoever it was, was safe, and just enjoying some time away. I have found SO much more peace in realizing trust + space are SO good if we use them well.
Advice 2: Work through it alone, first
As women, we are so quick to express our feelings to our girly friends. It helps us cope, but it isn’t always the best FIRST move. Men and women clearly have different ways of expressing themselves. Women talk about EVERYTHING because it makes us feel good to be heard, and men try and find a solution prior to speaking about anything to anyone, they are silent Mr. Fix-its. Speaking for myself, and it is definitely a work in progress, but I need to be better about working through it alone first. That way, I can come to some sort of peace on my own about WHY I am feeling a certain way before I go talk it out.
Anyways, I am sure some people disagree, but those are my best 2 pieces of advice; take it or leave it.